Closure
So I inadvertently got a little closure regarding my recent dating escapade. I had the most fantastic weekend resting and self reflecting. My Sunday was filled with so much self love, as well as love for others and I couldn't have asked for a more amazing day. I could literally feel God's love all around me.
I started to notice that red bearded farmer was still very actively viewing my snap chat stories. I know you really shouldn't read too much into such things, but it started to aggravate me a little that he should even have the pleasure of seeing my life in any way, shape or form. Also, it's confusing as fuck that he is literally one of the first people to view said stories if he wants nothing to do with me.
I decided to draft out a snapchat to him with absolutely no intention of ever sending it. I basically started off that I just wanted to get a few things off of my chest and how this thing started with a little fun messaging with the expectation that this was going to be a hookup, but that I didn't expect the little back and fort banter we had going...I accidentally hit send!!!!!! I am immediately mortified and start freaking out a little, but then I'm like, you know what - I do need to get this off of my chest. I open snapchat back up and see he already opened it just that fucking fast, so I start typing to finish my thought process. I can see his little emoji guy in the corner, so I know he is waiting to see what I have to say next, which confuses me even more. Why is he so on top of my snapchats and waiting like that?
I finish with that I didn't expect it to affect me like it did and that I was actually relieved that he cancelled on me. I see that his emoji is still in the corner, waiting. So I'm like fuck it, and threw out there that if he is not interested in me that I 'd just assume he delete me off of snapchat, but that if he is interested in taking me out on an actual date, than I'd might just be open to that. I told him I was an amazing woman, with a kind heart and that I just might be worth getting to know. In my mind, I really wasn't hoping for that because I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed for me at this point, but I really feel he is sending out some really mixed signals and I really just don't know what to think about him. Was I really just a booty call or is he interested in more? Was there really a connection on his end that he isn't admitting to? I get an, I'm not interested sorry reply back.
Ok, honestly no problem with me so I respond back to that effect. But then I'm just at a point where I want to understand what the hell is going on and ask him why, not really expecting much. I get a reply back instantly, I honestly don't know. What the fuck kind of mind games are these, you either know or you don't fucking know dude! I'm starting to wonder if this guy isn't as confident as he tries to let on so I throw out there asking him if he's scared he might just find someone who could make him happy. He says that is not it at all and I just unload on this guy. You know what, if you can't be honest with yourself on what it is you want or honest with the women you are chatting to, you are never going to figure out what the hell it is you are looking for. If he thinks he has a better connection with the other woman he is chatting with (his reason for cancelling our hook-up to begin with The End) then fine, just be honest about it and start being honest with the women you are chatting with about your intentions. I also tell him there isn't a thing he can say to me at this point that is going to hurt me. He tells me I just give off a weird vibe...
LMFAO, well ok then, that's at least an answer I say. Not so hard, right? And wish him all the luck in finding whatever it is he is looking for. A thank you back from him and a no problem back from me! This guy clearly doesn't deserve another second of my time either in conversation or thought at this point. I can't really tell if he deleted me from snapchat, he still shows up in my friends list which I assume will be the case until I delete him. I find it a little creepy that a guy who thinks I give off a weird vibe would continue to want to see my life at this point and will seriously question if he continues to view my shit.
Meanwhile, in my real life, I really do feel like a million bucks. I'm putting my feelings out there more instead of hiding all of my shit inside. I accepted an invitation to a concert, not really the kind of music I listen to and a little outside my comfort zone, but I think it will be another good step in putting myself out there. After the holidays, I may even decide to join the dating app again with a renewed sense of knowing what the actual hell you do an don't do, but I guess we will see what comes out of the next several weeks first and focus on surviving Christmas! Life is so damn good and I really have learned a shit ton about myself through this!
Edited to update: About mid-day I decided to go ahead and delete him from snapchat myself as final closure. I know this blog post seems like I am placing blame on this guy, when I was the one acting crazy when he was upfront about just wanting a booty call. What I didn't mention in the beginning was that I did ask him right from the start whether he was just looking for a hook-up and he said he was open to anything and that he did not have any expectations. Between that and the fact that we were chatting back and forth daily about things other than sex, I started to get the impression that maybe we were actually planning a date that was more than likely going to end with sex and not just a hook-up. Things didn't actually get weird until he finally confessed that all he wanted was a hook-up on the day we were supposed to meet as described in my first post First Experience with On-line Dating. Because I was on my period, I'm the one who cancelled.
We were still chatting throughout that weekend, although I initiated all the conversations. We had the same back and forth teasing that we started with but knowing he was just in it for the booty call now, I backed off my messages so I didn't start overthinking things again. The mixed signals from how responsive he always was and how he seemed to actually like chatting with me was what really confused things for me in the end and caused me so much anxiety as to what to expect. I knew he could sense that I might want more than what he was offering and that I think is what eventually led to him cancelling in the end. I just didn't get why he just didn't stop responding to me or looking at my snapchats or even deleting me like I asked him to, almost like he was just trying to keep me dangling just in case he changed his mind. Or maybe I just ready entirely way too much into it! Either way, I do think he isn't at all sure what he wants either or at least upfront about it and he needs to work on that too. I don't think he intentionally lead me on, but he also kind of did. I don't really know if he was chatting with another woman or if that was just his cop out from the situation. Another thing I didn't get was if it was just a booty call, when I told him how much I enjoyed talking to him, why wouldn't he have told me then unless he's just as clueless as me in this situation. I'm just happy that it is over and really I don't think either one of us were in the wrong per say, but I do hope we both came out of this with a fresh outlook on how to handle things the next time around.
I started to notice that red bearded farmer was still very actively viewing my snap chat stories. I know you really shouldn't read too much into such things, but it started to aggravate me a little that he should even have the pleasure of seeing my life in any way, shape or form. Also, it's confusing as fuck that he is literally one of the first people to view said stories if he wants nothing to do with me.
I decided to draft out a snapchat to him with absolutely no intention of ever sending it. I basically started off that I just wanted to get a few things off of my chest and how this thing started with a little fun messaging with the expectation that this was going to be a hookup, but that I didn't expect the little back and fort banter we had going...I accidentally hit send!!!!!! I am immediately mortified and start freaking out a little, but then I'm like, you know what - I do need to get this off of my chest. I open snapchat back up and see he already opened it just that fucking fast, so I start typing to finish my thought process. I can see his little emoji guy in the corner, so I know he is waiting to see what I have to say next, which confuses me even more. Why is he so on top of my snapchats and waiting like that?
I finish with that I didn't expect it to affect me like it did and that I was actually relieved that he cancelled on me. I see that his emoji is still in the corner, waiting. So I'm like fuck it, and threw out there that if he is not interested in me that I 'd just assume he delete me off of snapchat, but that if he is interested in taking me out on an actual date, than I'd might just be open to that. I told him I was an amazing woman, with a kind heart and that I just might be worth getting to know. In my mind, I really wasn't hoping for that because I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed for me at this point, but I really feel he is sending out some really mixed signals and I really just don't know what to think about him. Was I really just a booty call or is he interested in more? Was there really a connection on his end that he isn't admitting to? I get an, I'm not interested sorry reply back.
Ok, honestly no problem with me so I respond back to that effect. But then I'm just at a point where I want to understand what the hell is going on and ask him why, not really expecting much. I get a reply back instantly, I honestly don't know. What the fuck kind of mind games are these, you either know or you don't fucking know dude! I'm starting to wonder if this guy isn't as confident as he tries to let on so I throw out there asking him if he's scared he might just find someone who could make him happy. He says that is not it at all and I just unload on this guy. You know what, if you can't be honest with yourself on what it is you want or honest with the women you are chatting to, you are never going to figure out what the hell it is you are looking for. If he thinks he has a better connection with the other woman he is chatting with (his reason for cancelling our hook-up to begin with The End) then fine, just be honest about it and start being honest with the women you are chatting with about your intentions. I also tell him there isn't a thing he can say to me at this point that is going to hurt me. He tells me I just give off a weird vibe...
LMFAO, well ok then, that's at least an answer I say. Not so hard, right? And wish him all the luck in finding whatever it is he is looking for. A thank you back from him and a no problem back from me! This guy clearly doesn't deserve another second of my time either in conversation or thought at this point. I can't really tell if he deleted me from snapchat, he still shows up in my friends list which I assume will be the case until I delete him. I find it a little creepy that a guy who thinks I give off a weird vibe would continue to want to see my life at this point and will seriously question if he continues to view my shit.
Meanwhile, in my real life, I really do feel like a million bucks. I'm putting my feelings out there more instead of hiding all of my shit inside. I accepted an invitation to a concert, not really the kind of music I listen to and a little outside my comfort zone, but I think it will be another good step in putting myself out there. After the holidays, I may even decide to join the dating app again with a renewed sense of knowing what the actual hell you do an don't do, but I guess we will see what comes out of the next several weeks first and focus on surviving Christmas! Life is so damn good and I really have learned a shit ton about myself through this!
Edited to update: About mid-day I decided to go ahead and delete him from snapchat myself as final closure. I know this blog post seems like I am placing blame on this guy, when I was the one acting crazy when he was upfront about just wanting a booty call. What I didn't mention in the beginning was that I did ask him right from the start whether he was just looking for a hook-up and he said he was open to anything and that he did not have any expectations. Between that and the fact that we were chatting back and forth daily about things other than sex, I started to get the impression that maybe we were actually planning a date that was more than likely going to end with sex and not just a hook-up. Things didn't actually get weird until he finally confessed that all he wanted was a hook-up on the day we were supposed to meet as described in my first post First Experience with On-line Dating. Because I was on my period, I'm the one who cancelled.
We were still chatting throughout that weekend, although I initiated all the conversations. We had the same back and forth teasing that we started with but knowing he was just in it for the booty call now, I backed off my messages so I didn't start overthinking things again. The mixed signals from how responsive he always was and how he seemed to actually like chatting with me was what really confused things for me in the end and caused me so much anxiety as to what to expect. I knew he could sense that I might want more than what he was offering and that I think is what eventually led to him cancelling in the end. I just didn't get why he just didn't stop responding to me or looking at my snapchats or even deleting me like I asked him to, almost like he was just trying to keep me dangling just in case he changed his mind. Or maybe I just ready entirely way too much into it! Either way, I do think he isn't at all sure what he wants either or at least upfront about it and he needs to work on that too. I don't think he intentionally lead me on, but he also kind of did. I don't really know if he was chatting with another woman or if that was just his cop out from the situation. Another thing I didn't get was if it was just a booty call, when I told him how much I enjoyed talking to him, why wouldn't he have told me then unless he's just as clueless as me in this situation. I'm just happy that it is over and really I don't think either one of us were in the wrong per say, but I do hope we both came out of this with a fresh outlook on how to handle things the next time around.
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