Online Dating Continued

I started this whole online dating thing since I was basically a serious Bitch in Heat (BIH) over the past several weeks.  The vibrator and erotica novels are sounding more and more comforting as every day passes at this point!  Not because of the lack of interest, but the now nonchalant interest of a person I’ve been chatting with that started out hot and heavy, reciting in part experience with the added detail from said erotica novels, allowing me to fully describe what it is I need! I am not a woman who sleeps around but rather needs a man to sleep with who could be interested in my needs!  We started off conversing like we were getting to know each other.  His profile already told me he liked a dirty minded woman and I prematurely sent him a very serious desire of mine, thinking all was fun and if we could do a quick hook-up I can get back to my life. 

But here’s what actually happened, he’s a working man and very busy especially now!  I’m a mother and can only make certain days/times work.  After said message was sent, we started taking turns initiating contact with little, how you doing, how is your day – getting to know each other a little more - messages. A few more dirty messages were intermingled in said conversing because BIH is still present at full attention.  We make plans to meet, I start getting nervous and over messaging him as described in my first blog post. First Experience with Online Date  It is my very first hook-up you know and the inexperience comes out like a witch on her broomstick during a harvest moon! Poor Guy!!!  I scare him away from initiating any contact with me, because he really just wants a hook-up, and I totally respect that because that’s all I was looking for too.

But then I am already at the point I seriously miss the easy nature of our conversations.  He has a very cute, contagious smile that I remember from a long time ago and I feel stupid as fuck at this point in my life.  I express myself with words the very best, so I’ve shared things with this person that reflect a very inner portion of myself that not many people get to see in person.  I would still really like to have a physical relationship with this person but I am also feeling all sorts of things that I don’t want to feel.  So then the question is, am I ready for my heart to be so vulnerable and I really just don’t know that I am.  I don’t want anything more than a man who knows my heart at its most vulnerable and still desires me. 

The reason am feeling this way is because we have only communicated through messaging and he has read my most vulnerable thoughts from one extreme to the next, yet he continues to respond every single time and it amazes me that I haven’t scared him away. At the same time he initiates no contact back anymore.  Knowing that he really only wants sex makes this experience even harder for me at this point.  A man who I have yet to meet in person, but knows parts of me that I don’t share with anyone!  So I feel I should sabotage it by bombarding him with more messages and even writing this with the intent of explaining myself even more prior to said meeting, possibly even sending it to him for the simple purpose of continuing to scare him away.  Because you know, if he isn’t scared away than maybe he can handle my vulnerable heart in addition to my dirty mind.  If he is scared away, then I know he’d never be able to handle me in the way I needed!  Better to know now before I put myself out there even more, right?

Women are really crazy, you know!