The End

Red bearded farmer canceled our booty call and I can’t say that I blame him one fucking bit.  I was acting so desperate and it is so embarrassing to think about, all along knowing I was sabotaging this.  I felt so relieved when he canceled but I am also going through the emotions of rejection, yet again!  I know how beautiful, strong, kind and confident I am!  I am so fucking smart and I take care of my shit!  I swear like a sailor and my patience certainly has never been great, but I have so much to offer someone willing to get to know me.

I was so damn distracted that I spaced off a meeting today at work, so that’s why I pushed because this feeling isn’t right, this isn’t how a true love connection or even a booty call is supposed to make you feel.  I gave him way too much way too soon and ended up letting it hurt me – all before we even had a chance to meet in person, WTF was I even thinking!!!  I had so much anxiety over this situation and I let it affect so much and really all he wanted was a quick hook-up.  I’m the one who wanted more, without really wanting more.  I do want a casual thing, something that is easy!  I don’t really want to be a booty call but I don’t have the time or energy for anything serious either.  I want to be able to tell someone if I’m having a terrible day, I want to cuddle and watch movies, and I want astronomical sex with no effort at all.  I don’t want a man to bring home to my kids just yet, but if he can meet the above then maybe one day that might be ok too.

I guess this is teaching me what I want and what I don’t.  I did delete the dating app for now and while I want to delete red bearded farmer from snapchat, I won’t quite do that just yet.  Maybe rub his face in how beautiful I am and what he is missing out on, but probably won’t matter in the end.